The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Zelda BotW 2

Score = 3/5

Game Type – Action/Adventure, RPG

Platform – Nintendo Wii U, Nintendo Switch

Developer – Nintendo

Publisher– Nintendo

ESRB – Everyone

 

Review by: Kisho Wolfe

Logline: – As the fan boy turns…  A bro love letter to Link.

Hello, my friend.  Hard to believe we’ve been best buds for over thirty years.  Ever since that old man told us ” it’s dangerous out there,” and put that wooden sword in our hands, things have never been the same.

We’ve traveled Hyrule hundreds of times over, in several time zones and dimensions.  Finding rupees in grass, moving statues twice our size, and finding countless treasures in our adventures.  More important than monetary wares, we found the treasure of friendship in our travels.  Gorons, Zoras, and of course the Rito have helped us progress forward to save your world.

Satiating my appetite for our next adventure, I happily revisited some of our most challenging and rewarding moments.  My favorite has always been when we finally obtained the master sword.  We felt like such bad asses after that, didn’t we?

On March the 3rd of this year you opened your eyes and recovered from a fatal blow dealt by Ganon. Thought you were a goner.  But you returned.  You always return.

For in death we are reborn.  A soul never dies.  And a man who fears death, is a soul who didn’t try.

As we run through recent Hyrule, I notice the vibe has shifted.  The scenery is breathtaking.  Ganon’s been out of control and yet there is still magic and wonder to be found.  But as we stand atop Mount Lanayru (It’s damn cold up here) and breathe in the scent of accomplishment after freeing Naydra, I suddenly feel… empty.  Freeing that dragon was not an easy feat, so we should FEEL accomplished, right?  Then why don’t I?

Why don’t I feel anything after successfully conquering my eighteenth shrine?  Why don’t I feel like pressing forward after unlocking a memory we’ve shared with Zelda from the past?  Why does our princesses’s exaggerated Australian / Irish sounding accent annoy the crap out of me? I love Aussies! Why am I so frustrated about the ridiculous amount of inventory micromanagement the game forces onto us with these weapons breaking EVERY, DAMN, FIGHT!? How can your guardians miss the elementary fact that game-play is significantly diminished if the menu has to be re-opened every ten seconds?  Especially in the MIDDLE of the fight.

This game was obviously meant for the Wii U, yet they opted to disable the much needed menu purposes built in for the Wii U gamepad.  (see in game Sheikah Slate for uncanny resemblance)  Map and inventory would have been perfect here as it was originally designed.  Nintendo’s reason for removing it was flat out B.S. and I believe they removed it because they didn’t want the Wii U to have any game-play advantage over the new Switch.  I see what you did there Nintendo.  I see it.  Gotta boost those sales for that new console, don’t cha?

And this dungeon situation…  Breaks my heart, Link.  Where are they?  We’ve ran around for fifteen hours and all we’ve found are these stupid shrines.  Rumor has it, there are about four true dungeons in the entire game.  But I won’t be with you when you find them, my brother in arms.  I realize the side quests were my decision, but that only helped me to formulate a stronger foundation about our newest adventure.  I think I’ve sipped my last glass of Lon Lon milk and the bar is closing.

Kind of bitter sweet that my first taste of RPG action started with you in the 8-bit era, and now is quite possibly closing the book on my Nintendo life in the HD era.  We had a good run, didn’t we?  You were the shining beacon of gaming that kept me glued to the digital world since I first picked up the controller.  This time around, had this not been about you and the princess, I believe this adventure would not have survived past the fifth hour.  The whole time spent traveling with you, all I could think about was Aloy and those robo-dinosaurs.  My heart’s just not in this one, buddy.

I know.  I know.  Zelda still needs us.  But she’s a strong princess.  Plus I know you’ll get to her in time and finish off Ganon as usual. *bro-hug*  You’ve never really needed me to get the job done.  But I’ve always relied on you to make it through this human world of mine. But it seems time.  I’ve cancelled my Nintendo identifications, sold off my systems and all of my games.  Even Bayonetta.  We must part ways for now.  I’m not sure what the future holds for either of us, but you’ll always be in my thoughts.

In death there is life.  Answers are not always born in light.

From the past, I’ll reminisce of you.  To let go is to begin anew.

Farewell, Link.  My digital brother.  I’ll miss you.

-Kisho

(seriously teared up a bit after writing this.  *ahem*  Fight on Link!  1-luv)

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Love is a Unicorn

Love is a unicorn

Lust at first sight is common, but love is a unicorn.

Hasn’t happened to me yet, in all my years of being born.

Quite content running solo.  At times, even close my mind to the possibility when they walk by.

Grown tired of shallow waters and train of thoughts that run dry.

Didn’t see you at first. I almost bumped into you.

Then you moved a little to the left.  “Oh, that reflection is new.”

“Who is that!?” I wonder.  And almost miss the beat.

“Stop staring, Mr. Wolfe.  And by the way, “MOVE YOUR FEET!”

She can’t catch the sequence. “Coordination’s a little rough.”

But I’m finding it endearing.  “No no, this is NOT love.”

Caught me looking and she smiles.  “My gods what a sight.”

One of those smiles you work hard to see… day, or night.

Pressure’s on now, my boy.  Can’t let her slip past.

Let’s build on that spark, or later you’ll kick your own ass!

I break the ice and she speaks, the short vibe is kinda nice.

Eyes sparkle as her lips move.  Somehow this feels just right.

Exotic name, fit frame.  Her hands, soft to the touch.

Should probably tone my brain down a notch, ’cause I’m analyzing too much.

Thoughts fly to a distant future of things that just might be.

Thoughts that never cross my mind, about things I don’t foresee.

Maybe this is a sign.  A glimpse of something new.

Never mind, false alarm.  She just kissed her boo…